I remember this night, July 17th, 2001- my heart was a mess of emotions, my head, a murkey lake, darkened by sadness and confusion and dread. It was a year filled with change and loss and unknowns. I remember sitting down, so desperate for relief, and hoping that if I could just get the words out of my head and onto a piece of paper, that maybe they would stay on that paper, and leave me the heck alone. And so I wrote my first (and only) poem (of sorts).
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Shadows
As the shadows swallow my tears
The darkness echoes my cry
And I ache
Drowning in a sea of pain
My heart is exhausted
My bones are weary with sorrow
As the shadows swallow my tears
And the darkness echoes my cry
Is this the end?
Is this the beginning?
I am terrified of the answer
Time is a thief
And it is stealing all that I love
All that I love and all that I have known
Leaves fall
And with them my world
Falling, crashing down around me
I am helpless
Unable to stop the falling of the leaves
Where will they land?
Why must they fall?
I am broken and bitter
Tired and terrified
Angry and alone
Every moment is bittersweet
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I also remember (on this same night, after writing my poem, having more thoughts still) placing my hands on the keyboard of my computer and typing any word or phrase or sentence that entered my brain. No order. Not a lot of thought. Just writing and writing. Unloading some more of my sorrows onto my tear stained desk, the clackety clack of my fingers on the keyboard, a steady, soothing sound to my achy, tormented soul.
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Why
what
I miss them
I miss it
I don’t understand
I hurt
I cry
I weep
Who can stop the hands of time?
When will the pain subside?
Who needs these thoughts?
Will life ever settle down?
I am so tired
Tired of feeling
Tired of grieving
Tired of breathing
Tired of struggling
I am mad
Mad at time
I am unsettled
Who am I?
What is my purpose?
What is my path?
Why must I struggle?
Why must I grieve?
Why must I feel?
What happens next?
I breathe emotion
I am at war with the world
Unsettled
Never satisfied
It’s just a melancholy day
Lord deliver me
Lord deliver me
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And when I read these words tonight, having not read them in many years (perhaps even, since the night that I wrote them) all I could think was- Thank you God for Your love and Your grace and Your faithfulness. Thank you God for the ability You have given us to grow and change and be healed. Thank you God that even in our darkest moments, when our hearts hurt so much they feel as though they will break, there is always hope for tomorrow. Thank you God for the peace I am living in today.