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Posts Tagged ‘thankfulness’

I remember this night, July 17th, 2001- my heart was a mess of emotions, my head, a murkey lake, darkened by sadness and confusion and dread. It was a year filled with change and loss and unknowns. I remember sitting down, so desperate for relief, and hoping that if I could just get the words out of my head and onto a piece of paper, that maybe they would stay on that paper, and leave me the heck alone. And so I wrote my first (and only)  poem (of sorts).

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Shadows

As the shadows swallow my tears

The darkness echoes my cry

And I ache

Drowning in a sea of pain

My heart is exhausted

My bones are weary with sorrow

As the shadows swallow my tears

And the darkness echoes my cry

Is this the end?

Is this the beginning?

I am terrified of the answer

Time is a thief

And it is stealing all that I love

All that I love and all that I have known

Leaves fall

And with them my world

Falling, crashing down around me

I am helpless

Unable to stop the falling of the leaves

Where will they land?

Why must they fall?

I am broken and bitter

Tired and terrified

Angry and alone

Every moment is bittersweet

—————

I also remember (on this same night, after writing my poem, having more thoughts still) placing my hands on the keyboard of my computer and typing any word or phrase or sentence that entered my brain. No order. Not a lot of thought. Just writing and writing. Unloading some more of my sorrows onto my tear stained desk, the clackety clack of my fingers on the keyboard, a steady, soothing sound to my achy, tormented soul.

—————

Why

what

I miss them

I miss it

I don’t understand

I hurt

I cry

I weep

Who can stop the hands of time?

When will the pain subside?

Who needs these thoughts?

Will life ever settle down?

I am so tired

Tired of feeling

Tired of grieving

Tired of breathing

Tired of struggling

I am mad

Mad at time

I am unsettled

Who am I?

What is my purpose?

What is my path?

Why must I struggle?

Why must I grieve?

Why must I feel?

What happens next?

I breathe emotion

I am at war with the world

Unsettled

Never satisfied

It’s just a melancholy day

Lord deliver me

Lord deliver me

—————

And when I read these words tonight, having not read them in many years (perhaps even, since the night that I wrote them) all I could think was- Thank you God for Your love and Your grace and Your faithfulness. Thank you God for the ability You have given us to grow and change and be healed. Thank you God that even in our darkest moments, when our hearts hurt so much they feel as though they will break, there is always hope for tomorrow. Thank you God for the peace I am living in today.

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I was looking through old Word documents tonight and found this letter I wrote almost five years ago. As soon as I began reading it, memories and emotions from that year began flooding into my mind. What a precious time in our life- the year we became parents.

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To: Daddy                                 From: MG and Mommy
 

Father’s Day 2005

Well, the list is far too long – of things we adore and appreciate about you – so we made a list of the top ten that we want to thank you for…

10. Thank you for going to work every day to provide for us and for going to school these last two years – we know it takes a lot out of you – we are very proud of how well you have done and how well you balance school work with taking care of us.

9. Thank you for not getting frustrated if we are running late or the house is a mess or dinner is not on the table – you are always so kind and forgiving.

8. Thank you for keeping smiles on our faces and laughter in our voices – for being so silly and entertaining us all the time.

7. Thank you for holding mommy when she is sad and for holding MG when she is sad. We always feel much better when you are holding us.

6. Thank you for being so humble and so quick to apologize. You are such a good example of that.

5. Thank you for protecting mommy’s purity when you guys were dating (even though there were times when you didn’t really want to) and for helping pass that legacy on to MG.

4. Thank you for being so patient with our emotions (especially mommy’s).

3. Thank you for being so open and honest with us. We feel very secure knowing that we can trust you completely.

2. Thank you for the depth of relationship that each of us has and will continue to have with you – for not viewing us as a job or a responsibility that you come home to every night.

1. Thank you most of all for loving God and for striving every day to be more like His son – because of that you have shown us a love that is greater than any other. We love you so much!

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Every once in a while I experience this overwhelming desire to move to a deserted island. This island would have a pile of books, a stack of paper and pens, a lot of sun, a lot of sand and the cleanest, most gorgeous blue ocean a person could ever hope for or imagine.  This island would be mine and mine alone. No people. No tvs. No appointments or commitments. No dirty dishes. No laundry. No fussing or whining or complaining. No tears. No sickness. No expectations, no competitions. No arguing or bickering. No impatience or bitterness or pettiness. My island would be an oasis of peace and tranquility. It would be simple and beautiful and effortless.

I am sitting in the blue armchair in our den dreaming about my island. I am overwhelmed with emotion and irritation about a lot of little things, none of them worth being this overwhelmed about. I am thinking about these little things and feeling wound so tight I could break. I am wishing for a punching bag to work out all of these frustrations. I am longing for my island.

But this feeling is uncomfortable. And I do not want it anymore.

So I make a choice. I choose to breathe deeply. I choose to focus my thoughts on things that I am thankful for. At first this feels impossible. My mind resists. My heart resists. But I know it is best and this knowledge overrides my resistence.

I am thankful for my children. They are healthy, they are intelligent, they are precious. I am thankful for my husband. He is devoted, he is stable, he is forgiving. I am thankful for my friends and family. Their desire is to do good. I am thankful for my health, my home, my faith, my country.

My emotions and my irritation urge me to focus on the ugly that is in my life. And there definitely is some ugly. But I cannot. I will not. Even when I am overwhelmed with emotion there is always some part of me that knows: I am blessed. And though I sometimes lose my way and my awareness of this is lost, that reality is always there, waiting for my return.

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